How to cook a human brain

So you’ve finally got round to killing your boss/wife/husband/mum/dad/local-do-gooder, cleaned up the mess in the living room and put the bloody remains in the freezer.

Now’s the time, if you’re going to do it, to make a delicacy out of the brain.

If you’re a serial killer worth his or her salt, your victim’s brains need to be fresh, still with all those pesky thoughts bouncing around.

I must admit that I cheated when I did this for the first time, the brain wasn’t human but belonged to next door’s dog. It was an opportunist thing. The dog was in the back garden. The neighbour had gone to work.

Misconceptions on cooking the human brain

I always imagined brain as being like foie gras when you cook it. Foie gras is the enlarged liver of a goose that has been force fed fatty stuff, a delicacy in some parts of France. The trick is to put the sliced foie gras in a hot frying pan without oil. That’s because the pan fills with its own oil very quickly as the fois gras cooks.

It was either that or like squid – you know if you don’t cook it right it turns all hard and rubbery.

Or maybe it was like blamanche…

Hey, didn’t Hannibal slice a bit of Ray Liotta’s brain off and fry it in a pan? Did they research that? Because the brain looked quite solid, you know. More like a slither of chicken than anything else.
I digress…

Getting your brain out

Here’s the tricky part. For this you will need 1. A hacksaw 2. A long thin bladed knife, and 3. A scoop. Saw off the top of the skull and then release the brain from the vertebral stack using the long knife. Then scoop the brain out gently into a bowl.

In the movies it just pops out. Don’t expect it to be that easy. It’s messy.

Soaking the brain

First of all, before you go ahead and cook the brain, you’ve got to do a few things. You’ll need to remove the outer membrane and then try and pick out any blood vessels. Once that messy job has been done, you need to soak the brain in cold water overnight to draw out the impurities – changing the water every couple of hours.

Cooking your brains

Thankfully, the cooking part is the easiest, no more difficult than making scrambled eggs. By far the best way to cook your brains is to sauté them.

• First blanch the brains in boiling water for a few seconds.
• Drain.
• Season with salt and pepper.
• Roll in flour.
• Fry in salted butter until a nice golden brown.

Serve with a simple salad or creamed potatoes. Cooking time about 10-15 minutes.
Mmmmm…it’s delicious…

Have you got a recipe you’d like to share with us? Have you eaten something particularly nasty in the last 24 hours? Have you just killed your pet hamster in the microwave? Let the Feckless Goblin know in the comments section below.